Last Night

My memory of my conversation with S last night is just in pieces. I can read what I wrote but S was not replying to me except for that joke about ken and Barbie. (Why can’t Barbie get pregnant? Ken comes in a different box.). I just felt so broken because I'm an ACOA. I was sobbing for over an hour. I was so sad about ACOA and me. I even tried calling C but he was just mean and rude as he always was. That was a mistake. I called Ch and tried talking with him about that S wasn't replying to how being an ACOA was making me feel which was sad and broken. What I really need is to talk with my new therapist about this desperately but we're not scheduled till Saturday. However, typing this is giving me an outlet- instead of crying. Nobody likes crying!

I'm listening to a Disney podcast with J in it.

I'm just not sure what happened last night. I think I was afraid that S would never talk with me again. He laughed at my Barbie joke. I just think my fear of him leaving was part of it. I have everything that was said in my phone.

We had been discussing being an ACOA and I said something about how that impacted my sister from her not remembering 4 years of our childhood. She got the brunt of our mean dad in his last two years when he was in a nursing home near my sister's house. Apparently, he died in the arms of a nice nurse around 7 am and was his kind self that I remember from my childhood but my sister missed seeing him in those last few moments.

I'm waiting for Saturday to discuss this with my new therapist. I think I didn't realize how much I am attached to S in a bad way. Just sobbing that I might lose him isn't healthy I know. It's totally backward and screwed up.

Just being an ACOA makes me afraid people will judge me or flee because they are afraid or can't basically deal with all the crap that comes with growing up with an alcoholic household.

I tried calling C but he was just as mean as a month ago or whenever that was that I told him to not talk with me if he couldn't stop with his meanness.

S at least laughed at my joke. I didn't make it up but it is a funny joke. We aren't having sex but jokes about sex are apparently allowed. I'm glad for that.

I dunno. Maybe I'm over the sobbing finally. But one of the ACOA traits is fear of abandonment and I think I was afraid S would decide he couldn't deal with me anymore because that's what happened when we first met. He said he could not date another ACOA and yet we found each other again and grew to have a deep friendship - especially in the last 3 years AND the last six months. We even discussed finding each other over and over and why that is. But he has NOT said he can't deal with me- he just said it's what I need to work on with my therapist Saturday especially- and that we can get together in person- that I don't have to be "fixed" so to speak before that happens. This gives me hope. I know I need to address my fear of losing my kids and losing S. That is a HUGE part of being an ACoA- fear of abandonment. It sucks. It makes people run the other way.

Anyway, I have never really addressed my ACOA and I've got bipolar going on at the same time what with frequent hallucinations lately. I'd rather hallucinate than have that awful fear of "abandonment "/someone I love dying. I apologized to N last night for treating him like he's 5 when he's about to turn 25 next month! I don't think he understood but that's ok. The realization made me feel better. I'm glad my kids' involvement with my dad was minimal. They always knew K as their Papa and my dad was "Mom's dad". Plus, he lived in Norfolk. Even so, they were kind to me when my dad died, taking me out for pizza because they knew his death made me sad.