Falling into the dark hole again.

Maybe try to watch comedy, funny videos on YouTube, a sketch, a funny show
Coloring books are good for the mood too @Rose76

I send you hugs 🫂

I managed to take a shower and blow-dry my hair. I made a decent supper, which I ate. I also got dressed. Usually, getting that much done will get me over the hump, but it didn't.

I think I'm going to walk to the store for milk, just to get myself moving. No, I won't. Don't have the ambition to do even that.

I'll hope I do better tomorrow.

I wish I had an interesting story to tell. I don't.

You are worthwhile in your own right Rose, you don’t need a story to tell, you are enough just the way you are.

At the moment I am watching some old classic period drama series on catch up player and I’m finding it transporting, it takes my mind out of my worries. I wonder if there’s anything you might like to watch to take you out of your thoughts a while?

I need to get out of bed, get dressed and go out of the house . . . to the store, or to the library, or to anywhere. I've been home for days, looking at the TV and at my tablet. I need to get away from the screens and actually do something.

Every time I stand up, I feel like I need to lie down some more. So I do lie down. Up and down, up and down. I might as well be in a prison.

I got dressed. Made the bed. Washed the dishes, some of them. But I never left the house. It's dark now, so too late to go anywhere. I could walk to the store, only two blocks away. I don't feel up to doing that.

Now I'm breaking down, feeling just worse and worse.

I tell myself that this will blow over. These tail-spins always blow over, eventually. This one hasn't even been as bad as others I've gone through.

Tomorrow will be better because I have an appointment to keep that will force me to get out of my apartment. I had been doing pretty good for quite a while. Staying strong. Getting things done. This is so disappointing to fall like this into the hole. I know it's my fault because I gave up on doing things a few days ago. When I stop trying as much as I need to, I go down the drain. At first, I think I'm just taking a break. But, once I give up a little bit, it's apt to snowball, which it did.

Right now the most comforting thought I can come up with is that I'm closer to the end of life than to the beginning. That means this won't go on forever. I've got some years left. I got through this far. I'll get through what remains.

You still have much to give Rose, I can tell that from your posts. This will pass. Can you seek help from a dr or therapist at this time?

Thanks for the support. I don't have a therapist. My primary doctor will just tell me to go to the psych facility. That's really all he can do. The psych facility will just ask if I want to go on a long waiting list to see someone there. It's pointless.

I get these episodes recurrently, all my life. I'll keep getting them. Nothing helps, except just trying hard to get things done. As you say, this will pass. It always does. Last year, at this time, I was in the midst of a bad episode that lasted a few months. Then I recovered and did pretty well for a few months. So I'm disappointed to lose ground I had gained.

I canceled my appointment for today. Getting to it is just too much for me right now.

If I can get out of the house later, that will help. Eventually, I'll be alright again.

I know this feeling. I'd stay home if I didn't have a disabled wife to buy groceries for.

Try talking to ChatGPT. Has a lot of good suggestions and has good "therapist value". If you have a car, get out and visit the ocean if you're near it.

I improved a lot. Friday I got out and did some shopping and some gardening. That seemed to break the hold of the depression. I think I'll be okay for a while.

Usually, when I improve, like I did on Friday, that boost will last me a while. I thought I was really recovering, but that upturn decayed pretty quick. Today was a waste. Scared to even leave the house. Don't want to encounter anyone. If I don't put in more effort, I'll wind up on the express elevator down into that miserable hole. Part of me wants to just give up trying. I know the choice is mine to make.

I keep thinking that trying won't do any good. Still, I know that not trying is a guaranteed way to feel worse and worse.

Do you have any idea of why you feel sometimes unhappy ?
Maybe there's something missing in your life or you're surrounded by toxic people @Rose76
I think for me by changing environment it could improve my mental health even if it's just a bit

I think my main problem is social isolation. I spend way too much time alone. I'm not troubled by toxic people. I live alone and don't put in the effort to find ways of mingling with others. That's probably due to fears that others will not find me interesting or worth getting to know.

It amazes me that I manage to have intervals of feeling quite well. I actually like a good deal of solitude. I've always been a "loner," but no one thrives in the absence of meaningful relationships. When it gets a bit warmer, I'll work on maintaining the rose bushes on the property where I live. I rent, but it's a small complex. The other tenants are friendly. Since retiring, I've gotten interested in gardening. We have a nice courtyard that had been kind of neglected. Some of us tenants have worked on tending to it. We all pitch in to water the grass and bushes. I do most of the pruning and fertilizing. Plus, I have plants on my patio. Tending to the vegetation gets me out in the sun. I meet neighbors out there and chat with anyone I can. Their dogs all know that I have treats in my pockets, so they come up to me. That breaks the isolation for me.

Every November, when the clocks go back, my little gardening hobby gets put on ice and doesn't resume until the spring. So I've been getting depressed every winter. Friday was a nice, clear, warm day, so I did some of that outdoor work. As I noted above, that felt really good. Now - with daylight saving time - I'll have more hours before it gets dark. That seems to help me a lot too. So I have some hope that I should be feeling better soon.

It takes a while for me to get back into the swing of going outside and looking after the plant life. For a while, it feels very strange to even step outside my apartment. The prospect of running into neighbors feels very stressful, even though I know it's exactly what I need. Social phobia has plagued me all my life. I have to drag myself out the door. Once I do, it gradually starts to feel more comfortable. Thinking about this just now has given me some hope.

Definitely, something's been missing from my life. I know what that is and what I have to do, so this should be a solvable problem. Basically, I have to stop the winter hibernating indoors. It becomes a bad habit that I have to break every spring. I suppose things will then improve.

Hopefully your situation improves @Rose76
When it's difficult to go outside maybe you could try to find a community online to talk
Maybe a forum about plants

That's a good suggestion. I've improved a lot mood wise. I need to find things to participate in. I'm okay right now, but depression will come back, if I stay alone too long.

That’s good insight Rose, hope you can find something to participate in. Would you be able to volunteer in some way?