My abusive ex husband got remarried!

First off, hugs.

Secondly, you need a hot beverage.... Preferably tea.

Thirdly, THANK YOU for being so good to me. I'm happy I can be here for you.

Fourth.... Hope, it's not your circus, not your monkey. Whatever is going on in his life and hers doesn't affect you. That drama is gone, and good riddance.

Will he be abusive to her? Most likely. At minimum he'll be a butthole. The mask will slip. They get tired of pretending quickly.

His game has to change over time though. In the early days, hope and plans for a future together, a home, perhaps a family, shared goals and life markers means YOU were the most loyal and "ride or die" of anyone in his life. At this point, there will be more turnover in his partners OR he will have to tone it back enough, just enough, to keep her hanging on. Or it will be a combination of all the above; he'll tone back the language and actions towards her, and covertly get his supply elsewhere, possibly through infidelity.

Why does he get to live unscathed? Because you are made differently from him. Normal people feel empathy and guilt, and try to live with some care and integrity. Users and abusers don't. You're right. Life doesn't impact them the same as it does us.

I understand everything you're saying. I really do. The best thing you can do right now is some type of self-care. If you would like to have someone take you to breakfast, then YOU head out to your favorite breakfast place. If you need someone to distract you, then YOU find a movie you've been waiting to see.

Whatever he does is not a reflection on you. NOR do you have to worry about saving his new woman.

It's a beautiful Sunday here. Let it be a beautiful Sunday there.

You're going to be OK.

RDMercer

It’s really not that long since you split up, I’d say the fact he’s rushed headlong into marriage again so sooner is likely a sign he’s unable to be on his own, not a good sign.

Not your circus, not your monkeys, I like that. Hope that’s helpful to you. Although of course you’re going to be shocked and reliving bad memories from this news.

Sorry Hope!

I read your first message too quickly!

I responded as if you were the first wife. I see now you were the second wife.

You're OK.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Including in your mind!

RDM

Thank you @RDMercer and @Discombobulated. Not my circus, not my monkeys - I love that - that's a great self boundary to set. Thank you. I found myself getting triggered by the memories of abuse today with my ex husband. It was truly horrifying. The screaming and yelling, all the fights, the control, the gaslighting, the instability and insults. No thank you. Still, I find myself being triggered by this news. I also am struggling right now in my own life with a recent breakup and a bully boss. Life hasn't been easy. It feels like one hit after another.

I am saddened for her, as well,. even though I don't know her. Another woman ensnared in his evil mess. And I do believe he is pure evil, my ex. He did some horrific things to me - called me the most horrible things and said the most horrible things to me. It was gut wrenching. And he cheated on me and lied to me repeatedly to boot.

I guess all the memories are now surfacing - or resurfacing - with this news. I cannot help it - it's what comes up. He was just such a nightmare to me... and now he gets to be remarried, all moved on and I am still struggling and am alone. At least I am free of abuse.

WHY am I downward spiraling right now? It’s not as though I want my ex back. It pains me because I just broke up with someone I thought I loved and who I thought loved me - but he was disrespectful and gaslighted me.. he also love bombed me like a narcissist does.. I’m a wreck right now. I’m falling to pieces.

Abuse amnesia is real, and a trigger can bring it all flooding back. This all makes sense.

Hope, I recently made the mistake of Googling my ex and found numerous smiling pictures of her online. I've been emotionally wrecked for a loooong time, and so have the kids, and she looks so light and happy.

At first I thought, "That's all a show."

Then I realized, "No, it probably isn't a show. Life doesn't touch her. I'm stressing about kids being ok, stressing about paying bills, stressing about not having to declare bankruptcy with all this stuff, working two jobs, wondering where I'm going to live when the house sells..... She is dating and using men to cover her expenses. She is entitled, so she's not worried about paying her bills, or worried about debt or bankruptcy. She's not worried about filing her taxes. She's not worried that the kids have what they need. Life. Doesn't. Touch her."

Look at two absolute extremes.... An extreme empath might be overwhelmed by the hardships they see someone close to them enduring, whereas a complete psychopath is unbothered by inflicting torture on another person.

Hope..... He's unbothered. People are superficial, fairly meaningless things to some people.

That's why he triggers you so much. I'm scared of my ex. I'm a pretty darn strong, fit, hardworking guy, and I'm scared of her. She has the ability to emotionally harm me in ways I could never do to someone. She has the ability to inflict emotional and financial damage onto me and the kids without fear of repercussions that I never could do to someone.

Just keep your distance, in body, heart, and mind.

RDM

Thanks, @RDMercer. I guess I have to let go of the unfairness & the injustice of it all. He skates away, with yet another wife, and I am still single and healing.

It’s easier for me to tell you what to do than to live it myself.

The injustice of it all is hard and infuriating.

I absolutely HATED facing that I experienced abuse. Still now I say “I experienced abuse”

Not “I was abused”

Certainly Not “I was a victim “.

The abused carries the burden and the aftermath, not the abuser.

You’re carrying it. He’s not.

It’s unjust.

Would you rather be with him?

Would you rather be like him?

I don’t think so.

Be you, and be a happy peaceful version of you.

Self care Hope!

What’s your love language?

Words of affirmation? Compliment yourself.

Gifts? Treat yourself.

Time? Indulge in a movie or a book.

Acts of service? Do a chore that’s driving you crazy.

Touch? Book a massage.


You’re going to be here to cheer me on during my next meltdown, right???

RDM

Thank you so much for your support @RDMercer. It is helping! Yes, I will continue to be your cheerleader for as long as you need it.

What's very odd is yesterday her facebook profile relationship status changed from "in a relationship" to "divorced" while she also updated her last name to his last name. So, clearly they got married and she was updating her profile, yet she changed her status to "divorced". Then this morning I saw that it was updated again to "married to _______" and his name.

I wondered if they were fighting and that's why she initially changed her status to "divorced"??

He fought with me the morning of our wedding, then like I wrote above, turned up the volume on the abuse the second AFTER we got married.

So I wondered if he did the same thing to her and in retaliation she chose "divorced"?

He used to break up with me with every fight we had. For example, just a few days after we were married, he fought with me one morning and took off his wedding band, leaving it on the table saying to me "we're not married". He made my life SUCH a living hell.

Six months post marriage I wanted a divorce, but I was stuck because of finances and being unable to move out. We had just signed a new lease when we got married, so I was stuck for the year living with him with no means to move out.

Gosh, this is all bringing up so many BAD memories.

I just saw a photo of them after the wedding - I think in Las Vegas. Luckily, this morning it is not effecting me in the same way as yesterday. Yesterday is when I learned they got married and I had a PTSD reaction. Today, I feel more numb to it all.... I am trying hard not to let it hurt me.

And no, I wouldn't want to be him at all - he lives a lie, and I live in authenticity. But man, is he influential. He managed to convince yet another woman to marry him... a third time!!! And this guy is a MESS!!! Little does she know!!!!

Yesterday a psychic told me that with this third marriage and pending DIVORCE, the truth will be exposed about him to all his friends and family, and that everyone will turn their backs on him once they learn the truth. She said this woman will be badly abused, that it will turn physical, and that she will file for divorce in a year.

Yes, I call psychics, so I called one yesterday because I was so distraught. It helped me to put this in its rightful place in my head: it was validation that the pattern WILL repeat itself and that he has not changed one bit... he's only gotten sneakier about the abuse.

He also had a heart attack and a stroke last year - I bet you anything he wasn't upfront with his new wife about it. I only learned of each of his physical ailments one by one and slowly over time. He is so riddled with physical problems from head to toe that he cannot take a long walk or do any real physical exercise or activities. When I finally learned this all about him, just before we married, I actually MOURNED. I was SO sad that I was marrying someone who couldn't join me in any physical pursuits. AND, as a result of that and because he wanted me tied to his hip 24/7, I gave up many of my activity interests. It made me SO sad and angry at the same time. Well, since our divorce, I've been roller blading, hiking, camping, skiing, and kayaking. I started doing all the activities I had missed out on during our marriage.

So, back to the heart attack and stroke - like I wrote, I bet she knows little to nothing about these incidents. She looks like a kayaker too. I saw a kayak on top of her car in a photo on her facebook.

Well, it's day two and I hope I can get through today without being upset about this anymore. I kind of hope that the psychic's predictions are TRUE. That would be the ultimate VINDICATION for me since all his flying monkeys believe I'm the crazy one and he's the sweetheart. I would LOVE it if he got exposed and if the TRUTH comes out.

Hope, searching up all this stuff isn't going to help you.

They aren't going to put anything online that will give you any validation.

The person who is the least interested in the relationship is the strongest person in the relationship.

You are still giving him your power.

Do you think he is following you to see what you are doing, searching you online? No. But you are searching him and her.

He is less interested. You are giving him your power.

I don't agree - he stalked me for a very long time post divorce and even showed up at my home several times uninvited. Narcs ALWAYS keep tabs on their ex's no matter what - they like to keep them in their back pocket for supply when supply runs low. I have no doubt that he is checking up on me, even now, and would love to have an affair even. That's how narcs operate.

I am not giving away any of my power. I am free of all abuse. I walked away from him. And that IS my power.

Your experience is different from mine.

Mine has showed up at the house and been dramatic a few times, but I was truly discarded.

She didn't come back to get supply from me, she came back each time with a new man, and was the aggrieved victim towards me.

Yeah.... I can't imagine that she is keeping tabs on me in any way.

OK... As long as you feel you aren't giving up your power.

Hang on a sec - didn't you leave her at the end? And you're the one who filed for divorce? By showing up the way she did, it is my belief she was trying to get revenge on you for leaving her...how dare you do that to a narc! Just like my ex when he moved THREE streets away from where I live now... I am convinced that was his revenge on me for leaving him. He wanted to make my life miserable, and it worked for half a year. Then he moved out after one year of living in my hood, and I can breathe again. Thank goodness.

"In the end"

Yes.

After years of being threatened with divorce monthly, and then it being threatened multiple times a week

Sometimes threatened and retracted and re-threatened in the same day

For five months (!), before the kids said, "We can't live like this. If you don't get us out we'll go to friends' houses or something."

At that point, YES, I did something..... But it was her who filed with the court first.

The youngest was the glitch in her plan. She assumed the youngest would live with her.

Youngest said absolutely no way, not a chance.

So, THAT has affected her ability to cast me as an abuser, as a deadbeat, and as herself as the victim.

When she's arrived here, on several occasions it was with a man (different man each time) and I opened the door to "NO! I DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT YOUR ANGER ANYMORE AND YOU CAN'T KEEP ME FROM OUR CHILD ANY LONGER!"

It was for the benefit of her audience.

Also, I still absolutely dread seeing her or bumping into her.

I couldn't imagine having her live down the street. That had to be so hard for you.

It was MOST difficult to have him living down the street from where i live. I felt cornered and trapped in my home, afraid to leave because I didn't want to bump into him. It was absolutely horrific.

I am in so much emotional pain right now. I just bawled my eyes out for a quick minute. That happens to me. I cry, then super fast straighten out. It's weird. I digress. Anyways, I am in pain. He is there, living with a woman who says she loves him, he gets to have sex, and I am sitting here alone in my apt with my one cat, totally alone and crying.

I went to bed before 6 PM last night. I crawled into bed and wanted to disappear... I even crazily thought maybe I should get back together with my most recent ex.

This morning, I feel more resolute and those thoughts are gone. I have my own life to focus on, the little life that I've got - my ex husband can go rot in hell. And the woman he married? Unfortunately, she made the decision to marry a narcissist, and very quickly at that. They were engaged only a few months. So, she is going to learn the hard way just like I did. But that's not my path anymore... it's her path now. I feel for her because I have a lot of empathy, but I've got to protect my own energy now.

That's my thinking this morning.

You've been given good advice, and I'm no Ann Landers but I have been hurt in relationships so I offer my 2 cents.
Let your anger motivate you to be more independent and someday you might look back at your break up as a positive.
And, you might wish your ex and his new love the best. They will probably need it.

Taking off a wedding ring and saying we’re not married now says it all to me. That is not marriage, that is playing at marriage. He may have married 3 times but if that is how he behaves he’s really no idea at all what marriage really means.

I know this is hard but I’d say work on not giving him room in your head. He’s really not worth it from everything you’ve written.

@Discombobulated, he threatened a breakup every time I challenged or confronted him on his poor behavior. There was no sense of stability, and it would scare me at times. He would withdraw his affection and love whenever confronted and would do hurtful things like that. He was impossible. Taking off his wedding ring just days after we were married was so very hurtful, I recall. My reaction was, "well then what did I do THIS for"?

She will likely feel the same way eventually. I am sure the mask is coming off now that they are married and he now "has" her in his grip and under his control.

That would’ve been very hurtful and scary I’d imagine, that is not love. You’re right he’s extremely unlikely to chance at least without a lot of therapy and self reflection.

Oh, he has SO many abuse tactics in his repertoire of behaviors, it's textbook: gaslighting, explosive anger and rage at the slightest provocation, insults and digs disguised as "jokes", no accountability for his actions, infidelity, pathological lying, zero empathy, rewriting history, the list goes on....

He even stole money from me once when we were together. And he stole an item from the Home Depot Store. He has NO conscience.

Someone with no empathy and no conscience will NEVER change. Narcissists typically cannot even be treated in therapy because they can never admit they are wrong. They play victim, and every problem is always everyone else's problem or fault.

Where I really need to be in my mind is thankful and grateful that it is no longer ME. I went through that hell once. Never again. That POOR WOMAN. Boy, do I feel sorry for her. But it's not my path anymore and it's not my journey - it's her journey and her path now. Sad, but I have a life to live of my own. And I am going to live it.

Today is day 4 after hearing the news.... I may be turning a corner.

Oh, and he probably thinks he is getting back at me and gets the last punch in with this marriage. But little does he know, that I will win in the end once she leaves and divorces him too. I am betting on it, that's if she has any common sense and sense of self respect.