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#1
Jan 20, 2026, 08:13 PM
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I'm getting flustered coping with someone who keeps contacting me to complain about things. She says I'm a good listener. I don't mind someone venting to me now and then, but the negativity from this person is getting overwhelming. We are distant relatives, so I feel a permanent connection to her. She has big problems: poor health, financial insecurity, family discord, etc. We only recently became friendly, so I'm still learning what kind of person she is. At first, I found her warm and easy to talk to. It seemed like we could have a nice friendship. I'ld still like to be on good terms with her. But her neediness is wearing me out.
I've been watching some videos on this topic, and I'm realizing that my social skills for dealing with this are not the best. I'm introverted. It has led to a pattern of living, whereby I am very alone a lot . . . more than I want to be. So when someone new comes into my life, wanting friendship, I tend to be welcoming and hopeful that a friendship can bloom. It has, but this person seeks sympathy constantly, telling me every bad thing that has ever happened to her, over and over. I truly am sorry for her misfortunes, but she seems to want to bathe endlessly in a pool of self-pity. Someone else in the family told me they had been around her and experienced her "neediness." She told me, herself, that she had felt unsupported by other relatives who didn't seem to appreciate the hardships she was going through. These are relatives that I happen to like, which seems to annoy her. I'm starting to understand why her close relatives are getting a little stern with her. I do not want to "ghost" her. But I want to break this pattern of phone calls that go on for 2 hours of non-stop complaining. During one call, she even started to predict that she'll eventually end her own life. I don't get the sense that she is in imminent danger of self-harm. There seems to be an element of manipulativeness in all of this. It seems like she is bored and lonely, even though she is in a long-term relationship with someone who does really care for her. It seems like she has decided that mentally clutching on to me for attention is a good option for her. I need to change this dynamic. Our last two phone conversations left me feeling quite depressed. Has anyone dealt with this successfully . . . or unsuccessfully? I want to be humane, but me trying to be nice is just getting me sucked in deeper. |
 Vaiana
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#2
Jan 21, 2026, 04:46 AM
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That's a really difficult situation
Personnally, it happened to me with my mom that loves to complain to me and it drains me I'm close of my mom, I just told her honestly it drains me to hear her complain non stop, so I told her now I wouldn't listen if it's too long,that she should go to someone else When she starts to complain, I listen in the beginning, but if I start to feel bad I tell her I can't listen longer Hopefully what I said help a bit I hope the situation will resolve soon |
| eskielover, Rose76
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 Rose76
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#3
Jan 21, 2026, 05:08 AM
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Quote:
It must be worse to go through this with a parent. |
| Vaiana
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#5
Jan 21, 2026, 08:28 AM
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Well you could control how long are these conversations and how frequent.
You don’t need to pick up a phone every time people call. You could text back that you are unavailable and you’ll be able to talk on Monday morning for example. Or let it go to voice mail and call when you are up to it. On the day when you do talk after sufficient time, say you have doctor appt at 2pm and need to get ready or maintenance coming to look at your leaky faucet or just say you need to take care of something. You don’t need to talk every time she wants to and for 2 hours. Having said that, honesty is the best policy. And maybe making up scenarios is not nice…But there is no way to tell her that she’s pretty much overwhelming without hurting her feelings. Just set boundaries and limits on how much and how often you are able to listen to her. Maybe it’s one hour once a month. So stick to whatever you can handle |
| eskielover, Rose76
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#6
Yesterday, 10:25 PM
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I am with Divine. It seems yo be just the situation when a white lie about the leaky faucet is designed to protect your sanity and as such is justified.
__________________
Bipolar I w/psychotic features Last inpatient stay in 2018 Seroquel 50-150 mg Geodon 40 mg Naltrexone low dose Oxybate lowest dose Vitamin B-complex (against extrapyramidal side effects) Long-term side effects from medications, some of them discontinued: - Hypothyroidism - Obesity |
| Rose76
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#7
Today, 01:45 AM
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Thanks, divine and Cherry. I do need to extricate myself from feeling trapped into these marathon calls. You're right: how long I stay on the phone is under my control. This gal tends to call in the evening, like around 9 p.m. She's a night owl - sleeps late and likes to be up half the night. I set a bad precedent by letting her keep me on the phone for a long spell when she first started calling me. The second time she called was early evening, and I said I had a meeting to go to, so I couldn't stay on the phone too long. There was no meeting, but it got me off the phone.
I don't mind occasional long chats, but her subject matter is so negative. Complaints and more complaints. She is a perpetual victim. She analyses what anyone says to her to see if she can find anything to take offense at. I know this because she tells me about exchanges she's had with others and how she felt criticized because the other party said this or that. It seems that nobody treats her right . . . according to her. I guess I was hoping to get her to be less negative. I was hoping to get her to change. Hoping to change anyone is probably foolish. |
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#8
Today, 07:37 AM
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Quote:
Now if she asks for advice how to be less negative, you could definitely share some ideas. Just like we share ideas and trying to help on here IF people ask for help. That’s the only thing you could really do |
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