How to make it better—not get out, make it better

I am gathering this is an abusive relationship from this one post alone. I don't understand - staying is masochistic and is basically agreeing to your own early death. This man kept you and locked your phone up and you say that this is acceptable and that you want to stay with him? I have to ask the question: are you masochistic?

There is no way to make an abusive relationship better. He will always be abusive and there is no magic answer to stop it from happening, even when on your best behavior.

What happened after you've tried to leave the relationship? If you have no attraction to him physically, then what are you getting out of this relationship? What is the tradeoff?

I don't think anyone here in the community would encourage you to stay in an abusive situation with a man.

Leaving is hard, but not impossible. I've done it... many times out of abusive situations.

Like I said, the loneliness feels deadly.

We’ve been on/off for forever. When we’re apart every face I see is his and it freaks me out. I couldn’t stand it.

I am masochistic but I do wish I had never met him.

I think a worse death is from prolonged, long-term abuse. Life is so much better on the other side of abuse. But it's your choice, and you're choosing to stay in a situation where you are being harmed. No one can help resolve the abuse or change his behavior. His behaviors will not ever improve or change, no matter what you do.

Yes, it can be lonely being single - there's no denying that. I'd. much rather be lonely than abused, personally. You gather your strength and you move forward, anyways. I have done it, so can you.

I got “out” plenty of times and always find myself back because I find life intolerable with anyone else.I’m not really aiming to change him, just adapt the best way. I can adapt for short periods but it is exhausting and there’s got to be a more efficient way for both of us to get what we are getting out of each other.

In an abusive relationship, to adapt means shrinking yourself so that your needs do not matter, you don't have a voice, and his poor behavior and mistreatment of you become acceptable. He is not held accountable for his treatment of you because when you say "ouch" that hurt, or "don't do that", it becomes a war and you end up paying for saying anything. You learn to walk on tip toes around him to avoid all landmines.

You shouldn't have to "earn" your rights to your own belongings and space! That is so twisted, so sick, and so very disturbing.

You appear to be severely trauma bonded to this man, and that is why being alone feels so "deadly" and difficult to overcome. I am single, alone, and unemployed, but I am free of all abuse and for that, I am deeply grateful. I have my dignity.

Yes, it takes strength and courage to be alone in this world and to stand on your own two feet, but that is a part of adulting. You're not attracted to this person romantically or physically - so again, what are you getting out of this relationship? Financial support or security? Why is it "deadly" to be alone? You're not going to die being alone. That's why we have friends and a social life. You have to create the life you want and carve it out for yourself.

To adapt to an abuser means losing yourself, your identity, your self esteem, and self worth. If you are willing to lose all of that and gamble away your life, then adapt if you must. I do not condone it personally, but I wish you the best of luck!

What am I getting? Two big things are predictability and intensity. Familiarity as well. He reminds me of a smarter, relatively sober version of my father.

Outside the relationship felt so empty. I tried being with other people. I didn't have any chemistry with "safe and healthy" people. I got involved in the BDSM community and it felt like the difference between skydiving and riding a pirate ship at an amusement park where you know it's inspected by several people before opening and there's an emergency stop and all these other protective factors that I guess are nice when you want to deal with the bullshyt of tomorrow.

I never had a solid sense of identity, self-esteem always in the gutter, self-worth in parentheses if we were putting this in a spreadsheet so I don't really feel like I'm losing much.

He's not physically abusive though. I kinda wish he was though if I'm honest--also similar to my dad. He stopped being physically aggressive as I became an adolescent and I kinda felt neglected. I don't know how to tolerate "boring" I mean I can for a while and then "boring" stops tolerating me.

There is no way to make it better.

Until you learn to love and respect yourself enough to remove yourself from it...

It will never get better.

You need a professional counselor’s help. You’re conditioned to accept abuse and neglect. Until you work on yourself and build your self esteem, all you will know and experience is abuse, and as long as you are resistant to healthy stable people and relationships. You are wired for chaos and it’s familiar so it’s comfortable. When you develop self esteem abuse is intolerable. I suggest you see a therapist.

I've been in therapy for most of the past decade. I'm on a break with my current therapist she was so bad that right now I really really want to go back and talk to someone, but I'm on a conditional discharge and a team for severe cases so I would have no other option and I really cannot. All of February and March she was at least 15 min late or rescheduled our normal appointments (sometimes after I already walked down and checked in for it). Every single one, every week, for two months. It triggered my abandonment stuff and was incredibly destabilizing and hurtful. If I already walked down I would go across the street, buy food and binge and purge. Honestly I blame her for feeling no other option but going back to him.

I totally understand your frustration with your therapist - however, she is not responsible for your choice and decision to return to the abusive boyfriend. We cannot blame other people for our own decisions and choices. But that is most frustrating and I understand the abandonment issues. I have had trouble getting a therapist myself. For three years after my divorce from an abuser, I tried to find a therapist to help me work through the trauma after all the abuse I endured. I couldn't get a therapist, I tried at least 6 times, and was so frustrated that I eventually gave up. Now I am back to wanting and needing one again and will try once again to find a therapist, especially now that I am unemployed and have the time.

Don't give up hope. Maybe call the therapy center or team and let them know how urgent it is for you to find another therapist. Explain your situation to them and let them schedule a different therapist for you.

Can that happen? Have you tried yet?

"Hey can you hire someone for me?"
yeah I'm not going to do that.

They cannot be the only source of therapy for you. There's therapists everywhere. Try at least. If you care about your happiness and well being at all, you will keep trying to get help. You need professional help. We cannot build your self esteem for you. You need to do this in therapy or on your own. With a therapist is better though for that than on your own.

I'm on a conditional discharge and within my assigned community mental health clinic a team for severe cases so I have no other option unless I can afford paying out of pocket for someone I see in addition to the people I already see (I do have a case manager and psychiatrist, just cannot deal with the therapist) which, I don’t even know how I’m going to afford an extra $40 tacked on to rent a month this summer. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get groceries all month ffs I’m not gonna pay out of pocket for a chance a therapist won’t suck.

Maybe you could get some self help books to help you build your self esteem instead. Those cost very little on Amazon and you can buy used versions for even less. My main point is it’s important for your own health and well being to invest in yourself.

Hi @MuddyBoots,

I only read your first post.

This is what trauma bonding looks like. That was me.

It hurts, and the imprint lingers once you leave, but what you described here is abuse and manipulation. If you heard ANYONE else describe this to you in their life, you'd recognize it as abuse and manipulation.

Feeling you have to earn something, that you have to "be good", that is manipulation.

You won't be whole if you remain.

RDMercer